My First Guest Post from a Fan!

Note from Chris: My wife Kim took this photo of me and Matt in Wildwood Park yesterday. We joined his first “Any Question” online event last Thursday and have been big fans of his YouTube videos and Facebook posts since 2020. This spring, we will be co-leading Accessible Northwest Natural History Hikes with him, the first one on April 22 right here in Wildwood Park in honor of Earth Day.

It was a real pleasure joining Matt’s first online gathering last week. It included a preview of the “I Am Matt Budzak” speaking topic and slideshow he’s prepared to share with groups that invite him to speak in the future. The event was excellent, and I’m looking forward to experiencing the remaining speaking topics he rolls out during his monthly online gatherings.

On this topic – and I don’t know about anyone else – but I feel like I already “got it” (and became a huge fan) a couple years ago after clicking on his first YouTube video. I guess it was when I heard myself saying “I am Matt Budzak” out loud that I got it – that despite our perceived differences, we’re really all the same. The things I thought were a big deal, weren’t. The things I didn’t think about – those were important.

I just don’t know how else to explain it. I assume some people will get it, and others won’t. Maybe it’s the non-confrontational way he (says he in recent years) developed to share the insights he’s come to that taught me so much – not the least of which was what it might be like to live with a lot of physical limitations – again, what really is a big deal and what’s not – and how to get past my assumptions.

Matt’s First “Any Question” Online Gathering

Matt said he isn’t recording his live online Zoom calls because he wants everyone to feel comfortable asking any question, giving feedback on his slideshows, and sharing thoughts on the topics he presents. My wife Kim and I asked if we could take notes as Matt went through his slideshow, and afterwards, I asked if he would like me to do a guest blog post as a way of sharing how the evening went.

He said yes! So here’s some of what Matt covered…

Matt held by his dad, with a ton of medical equipment they depended on to keep him well. Matt says they always had a generator at the ready and had to scramble to keep him safe whenever the power went out.

Matt was adopted as a baby and raised in Puyallup.  He said he “wouldn’t have it any other way except the weather” lol. He was born with Multiple pterygium syndrome, which he explained causes the joints in his arms and legs to not work right.

We were struck by the photos he shared from his childhood, with legs looking perfect – without realizing at first that they were locked in place. Matt said he made the best of it, and was a typical little kid, liking to play with toys, and learning to scoot around on his bottom since he couldn’t crawl due to being stuck in what looks like a sitting position.

Matt pointed out that in his slideshow, we might notice most of the photos show he had a “trach” in order to help him breathe from the time he was a baby until he was about 20 or 21 years old. In one of the photos, Matt’s mom pointed out his arm cast, saying the thumb on his right hand didn’t work, so among other surgeries, doctors tried to transfer a tendon to fix it, but the procedure didn’t end up working.

“I don’t quite remember when or where i got the bicycle. I was actually comfortable because my legs were down. Being on that bicycle gave me a sense of freedom, a sense of normal. I rode the heck out of that thing. I pretty much imagined myself being on a Harley Davidson every time I got on.”

Matt said that when he wasn’t in the hospital, his family life was normal, taking family vacations and stuff.  He said he was trying to be a kid as much as possible, remembering that there were other kids in the hospital “going through things way more advanced and intense” than even him.

One guy who attended the Zoom meeting while wearing what looked like hospital scrubs asked Matt what he did to entertain himself all that time in the hospital as a kid. Matt said he was on a lot of meds and slept a lot, but otherwise TV. “This was the 90’s, so we had Fresh Prince, Boy Meets World, Backstreet Boys, N Sync – that was the discovery of entertainment for me.  I loved it.  It kept my mind off of the pain.”

“That was an intense time for a young kid to go through. I tried to continue to enjoy my childhood the best i could.” Matt then showed a photo of himself in what he said was a typical position eating on the floor … and wearing some colorful shoes. “I was eating oatmeal and rocking Elmo sandals. I loved those! To this day, I follow Elmo on social media – so there you go.”

Matt with apparatus designed to train his legs to straighten out. It involved years of pain and ended up not working.

Matt went on to share that as he got older, he and his doctor realized that the surgeries and painful apparatus they put on his legs to try to straighten out the joints were not going to be successful. No matter what they did, his legs were going to go back the way they were – and possibly turn backwards – so if he kept them, he might not even be able to sit in a chair.

“I never saw the importance of having legs.”

So Matt went to his mom with the request that his legs get amputated. “It was the best decision of my life,” he said. Then for several years, he tried wearing prosthetics. “You know, those prosthetics weighed a hell of a lot more than I did on a good day. I struggled a lot with those. We would go to church and I would have my prosthetics and a walker and would try to go up to communion. I fell a lot – face forward in line while trying to walk up. We were hoping that over time I would get used to them with increasing strength, but they ended up taking away my independence. It just wasn’t working.”

Matt wearing prosthetics at Disney World with his mom and sisters after his leg amputation.

Matt said that people understandablely pushed him to to work with the prosthetics for a long time, but he I felt a lot more freedom when he finally chose a wheelchair life over a life with prosthetics. Regarding the decisions he made about his legs, he says he has “no regrets at all, none whatsoever….  Like after the double amputation, the first time I went out in public without my legs, people were all ‘I’m so sorry” but I was confused because I was actually the most happy and active I’d been in years…. I never saw the importance of having legs.”

Matt didn’t get deep into what he said was a very dark time during Jr. High School, apparently saving that for a speaking topic he plans to roll out in August or September. Instead, he went on to show pictures of him and his friends in high school, talking about feeling cool together, and sharing where each of them are now – all successful no matter what people said about the lot of them back in school.

Screenshot of video with Matt speaking to Lion’s Club about 10 years ago.

Matt talked about not doing much of anything for a couple years after graduating from high school, and then somehow being invited to several venues to talk about his life. “I was definitely not comfortable being in front of people yet, so that was a huge thing for me.  It all just kind of worked out.  Made me think: that’s it, that’s what I want to do is be a speaker.

“But then for reasons I didn’t understand at the time, the invitations kind-of dried up. I wasn’t able to get a job. I was rejected again and again, and I discovered alcohol at that point.” Matt said he’ll share more about surviving his 20s next month (Feb 24 at 7pm Pacific) when he rolls out his “Mental Health, Addiction & Recovery” speaking topic, but he did talk about going down to the bars in Puyallup. “There were some people that started taking notice that I was there, and they thought it was cool that somebody like me was out and about.

“In the beginning, I think people had their heart in the right place and kind of enjoyed my company, have a drink with me … and that was good in the beginning.  I discovered what a buzz felt like, and all the stress and pain was just gone and it was an overwhelming good feeling that I had.  I started experimenting with beer … whartever tasted good.  Then i got introduced to … all these different drinks and shots.

“I started drinking a lot.  I’d be going down to the bar every day.  It became my life, that’s what i did.  I couldn’t do anything else, or at least I didn’t feel like it.  People were talking to me and paying attention to me.  Most of the time they were buying me drinks and I would take advantage of that.”

“Little did I know that a huge problem was being created – getting addicted to it.  By the time I was 23 or 24, I was full-blown into it.  Every single day.  Trying to meet new people.  Everyone I knew was partying and drinking.  Unfortunately, there were a few people I came across that didn’t have the best intentions – let’s see how drunk we can get the handicapped guy.  I didn’t realize that was happening until I was like 25 – when it started to get dangerous.  I would have 1 beer then go straight to the shots.  I started  blacking out.  I had no idea where I was going in life…. It was not good.

“Toward the end of my drinking years, I found out about this group called the Here And Now Project run by a friend named Kenny.  He recommended I go to their meetings at the library.  I was kind of still drinking at that point and maybe went to one meeting.

“Anyway, I ended up getting sick and having a kidney infection, so had to quit drinking all together.  I started going to the Here And Now meetings full time. They lifted my spirits, made me feel good, treated me like I was somebody.  I don’t even think they realized how much they changed my life and put my life in perspective.”

Questions

One person from New Mexico who attended the gathering asked Matt what he would like to do with the rest of his life.  He said, “The sky is the limit. I have so many things I want to pursue – motivational speaking, podcasting, have my own place and live a long happy life.  I’m hoping to do some traveling – check out New York. I’m taking it one step at a time. Be happy and healthy and take it from there.”

Another person spoke up, saying she listened to one of Matt’s podcasts and watched a couple videos, and wanted to thank Matt for role modeling incredible courage and willingness to risk and step into the unknown, saying those are wonderful qualities that will take him where he wanted to go. Matt said he appreciated that but also shared that he does get tired easily and doesn’t want to get himself in a situation where he does so much motivational speaking that he gets too tired to do a part-time job at the same time, as he has a tendency to get overwhelmed and has to take care.  

A few others in attendance knew Matt or his family, one mentioning playing Bunco with him back in the day. She mentioned that when she saw the Zoom event show up on Facebook, she really wanted to join because she “always loved your enthusiasm for life and positive attitude, and can’t wait to hear more from you.”

Guest post author Chris Chisholm and his wife Kimberly McKillip Chisholm live in Puyallup and run Wolf Camp & School of Natural Science. They plan to volunteer with Matt starting in the spring to help guide his new Accessible Northwest Natural History Hikes co-sponsored by the Conservation College.

My First Live Online Event!

My segment on Q13’s Driver on the Street with its focus on “bringing people together and lifting each other up” helped put me on a path toward offering my own educational events with the same mission. Here’s the story of how I got to this important milestone….
Pandemonium

At that time Q13 interviewed me for its “Driver on the Street” segment in 2020, my goal was to promote my YouTube Channel and get more subscribers. When I had launched my YouTube channel, it was a few weeks after the pandemic started. All the businesses were closed, and I had absolutely nothing to do.

I thought to myself, “Oh my God, I’m stuck at home feeling all alone again, and all I have is my phone and my iPad.” Then I said out loud, “Well, here we go.” I wanted to be a star, be Jimmy Fallon! I kept turning on the TV seeing social media stars getting their reality shows, so why not me? I’d give anything to be seen, to be recognized, to be heard. In reality, it became so much more than about me: it was that I could potentially help people by doing this.

I posted a few videos but within a few weeks, the country seemed to turn upside-down again with sheer panic after George Floyd was murdered. 2020 was like people started to learn what having a real hard life was. Summer came and went, and by fall, I think people were looking for stories about overcoming hardship.

Michael Driver from Q13 News in Seattle was producing a series of feel-good success series called Driver on the Street, and I guess he saw some of my videos, came all the way down to Puyallup, set up spotlights and cameras in my room, just went all-out. He even took the whole production out into the neighborhood for a walk with Max and me.

It was still near the start of the pandemic and before vaccines rolled out, so everything was in that context, like how to get through it, showing how people can make it. The story was positive, but of course he had to edit and cut it down into pieces of interest to his viewers, so it was a limited perspective. Fortunately, there was good feedback from it, and it did actually drive more subscriptions and followers my way.

In fact, strange things started to happen when I’d go out or take my for a walk downtown. People would look at me, wave and yell at me, saying “Hey Matt.” They’re was one guy who made a u-ie, turned around and came back to me, said “saw you on Q13, thought that was really cool” and stuff like that. Max and I would just look at each other and say “whoa.”

Breaking Isolation

I also started noticing how the pandemic affected the disabled community. People we know would look at us like “Oh, you’re disabled so I’m not going to go near you or you’ll get Covid” and so some of my family members don’t even talk to me for fear that I’m going to get it. I imagine old people might be feeling the same way right now.

I think that mentality went to an extreme and caused a pandemic of mental health for almost everyone. I know the alone factor definitely increased for me as a human being, and as a man, on a personal level. Literally the only way it seems I don’t feel alone is by being with my dog, Max. I do have my parents and sister and niece living around me, but the pandemic created social awkwardness for everyone.

Neighbors and extended family don’t even seem to know know what to say, how to talk any more. Even me, I’m guilty of that: I’ll see someone online and then a few hours later I’ll see them in person, and bam, I don’t know what to say, and so the first thing we talk about is the pandemic.

It’s the reality, but it’s also the news. The way that it’s all presented, it literally gives you anxiety. I want to give people comfort, acknowledge that we’re going through unbelievably hard times, but showing people how we can get through this, how people can still live their lives, go out, do things. The news just says “don’t do this and don’t that – lock up, mask up, stay inside, close this and close that” so people are in their houses, afraid.

That’s where all the crazy thoughts come in, and the self medication, the deep depression. I definitely don’t see people smile as much any more. Okay, maybe it’s the mask, but you can tell, people are fearful. I’m guilty myself, worried that no matter what I do, I’m going to be treated by half the people as if I shouldn’t be there, like I’m doing something wrong, like I don’t belong.

You also hear the news talking about suicide prevention, but what about pushing the things we need to do before getting to that point? The pandemic shouldn’t stop people from living, but instead, make people find new and better ways to live.

If this virus isn’t transmitted very well outdoors, why aren’t outdoor events at the top of every news headline if they want to help lift people up? If some masks keep the virus from spreading better than others, and some masks allow people to speak and hear better than others, why aren’t those masks mass produced and advertised by the government, appearing on every web page and show for everyone to see?

Getting Together

All I can do is my part, so it’s time for me to see if I can counter how we’re trained to think by the news. I think trying things like my online gatherings, and especially things like our in-person hikes starting in the spring, are what I can do to help break the ice and social barriers that have built up over the last couple of years.

It might not happen right away, but over time as we get together in new ways, it will give people some hope and confidence. I look back over the past couple years and notice that there are people making it, living life creatively … while other people just didn’t make it, struggling more than ever. I have to say that if I was still drinking – still out there raising hell – there’s no way I’d be making it.

I’m just grateful that I got sober before all this stuff happened, because I would have literally just drank myself to death in my bedroom. We would definitely not be having these Thursday conversations if I had not quit. Everything going on would just be more fuel to the destructive fire that was I was feeding with alcohol.

I’m definitely nervous – excited but also nervous. My hopes are that maybe at the end of the day, people will be able to think “Well, wow, he’s been through a lot but he got stronger,” and hopefully that will give people some kind of inspiration. I know for me, it was about choosing a dream to focus on – no matter what people who knew the “old me” would say – and then work a bit every day on my goal to inspire people through these dark times and to realize a dream for themselves.

There was no turning back after that Driver on the Street – Life Lessons with Matt segment aired. From my YouTube videos a few people saw, to my social media sites like TikTok that blew up with views, I say to my followers: let’s take it to the next level by joining together on Zoom!

My First Consulting Experiences

Click to watch the KIRO 7 News Story from 2015 – the first time I appeared on TV!

My first consulting experiences were accidental. When I started getting asked to consult on making spaces more accessible, I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I just said, “Okay, I’ll give you my perspective.”

Seemed harmless, and in fact, I thought it was a way I could give something to my community. Little did I know that it was also going to be a lesson in “no good deed goes unpunished.” Eventually I came to understand that getting criticized is an inevitable part of stepping up, but back then (just like what happened after my first public speaking gigs) I disappeared for a while after a couple of negative remarks online – criticized for having the audacity to appear on the news.

Now I’m fine listening to those who challenge me, but it took developing confidence in my dedication to helping the community and region become more accessible. That’s why I recently enrolled in the ADA Coordinator Training Certification Program and even hope to help large businesses and public facilities become compliant with the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The certification program is a great way for me to learn about various disabilities a consultant needs to understand in order to fully advise on ADA compliance. It may already be paying off since I was recently contacted by a large firm asking if I could check out some accessible facilities they recently built…. but that’s a story to share in a future blog post!

Puyallup Fairgrounds

The whole experience that ended up on KIRO 7 News started off as an innocent rant on Facebook about inaccessible crosswalk buttons near the fairgrounds. Man it was important to make a change there, because Meridian Street is such a busy area in the heart of the city where I spend a ton of time.

I wasn’t able to reach the crosswalk button because there was a step-up curb in the way, making the button too far away to push. There was no way to safely cross the street with cars zipping on and off the freeway ramps. It was a safety concern for me and many others, a huge one.

I didn’t expect anyone to listen to my Facebook rant, or get anything done about it, but a friend saw the post and called KIRO 7. Somehow, they got in touch with my dad, and he told me they wanted to meet and do an interview with me about it. I was like “wow” – I had never been on TV so that idea was pretty intense. But there I was, right down there at the intersection by the fairgrounds, with a loud freeway overhead and cameras pointed in my face, and well, the rest you can still see by clicking on the news broadcast which is still posted on KIRO 7 after all these years.

The broadcast must have lit a bit of a fire. Right after that, I ended up meeting some of the guys from the city and the state, and they were like “wow” – they had no idea it was a problem and just didn’t think of it like I saw it. They started to point fingers about what wasn’t up to code, whose jurisdiction it was, who has resources to fix it, etc. but anyway, the problem got (partially) fixed that year.

What happened on social media after the news broadcast was interesting. I got some negative feedback. For some reason a couple of people weren’t happy that “I went to the news media” about it, although they actually came to me. Either way, back then I was sensitive to that kind of criticism. There were some mean comments so I kinda retreated and stayed out of the limelight for a while.

I had felt I was doing something good that was going to benefit everybody, and I was proud at first. I now know that’s the head space I need to stay in, and if I do, the sky’s the limit. I want to do what I can to make changes to improve and better our community – not just the community but anywhere in the state, or who knows – in other regions if possible, too.

I was reminded of this whole experience last year when another friend saw that old news broadcast and asked me about it. I casually mentioned that two of the crosswalk buttons never got fixed. Little did I know, but he called our city council representative who remembered the whole situation, and those additional crosswalk buttons were pretty much fixed within a few days, so I went down there to check it out. They weren’t improved as well as the original ones they replaced (made better by removing the step-up curb) but I was now at least barely able to reach all the buttons.

Grand Pacific Tacoma

Another accidental consulting experience I had was when a friend of my aunt heard about me, and maybe thought that I was a big accessibility advocate due to seeing me on KIRO 7 or something. She called and asked if I could head over to Tacoma and take a look at the sidewalks and crosswalks outside of the Grand Pacific Apartments, and meet with city staff about accessibility along her block.

Sure enough, there were a bunch of issues. The sidewalks were a mess, and there’s an intersection that goes over to a store with no crosswalk or anything to get past traffic. So I gave my thoughts – put in my 2 cents to help out, did what I could, but to this day I don’t know what happened. It doesn’t work if people don’t respond or listen. A few people from the city seemed to look at me like “go away” but maybe that was my low self-esteem talking back in the day.

Clearly I didn’t know what-all it entails to change a situation of inaccessibility like that. It’s got to be about timing, and cost, and the right people, and the bureaucratic process. All I really know is that it’s important, and I hope to help by consulting on more of these situations.

If you know of any areas where accessibility can be improved, reach out and ask me to check it out. I’ll give feedback, and try to put the right people in touch to make an improvement in your community. I’d be happy to take a look and give you my perspective and ideas.

Like I say on my consulting page, don’t let money or worry stop you from reaching out. I always appreciate financial support for time and travel as well as helping pay expenses associated with my ADA Coordinator certification training, but in the meantime, consulting simply remains a community service I’m passionate about pursuing. So spread the word!

My First Speaking Gigs

My first speaking gig back in the day.

I almost started my speaking career not long after I graduated from high school, but life sometimes has a way of sending you on a long detour before you get on the right path.

Seattle Children’s

The first big speaking gig I did was at a country club that was doing as a fundraiser for Seattle Children’s Hospital. They wanted me to come out and share my experiences there as a patient, saying how great they were. I was happy to do it, because they were great, and I would know – I spent a lot of time there as a child.

There were around 50 people in the audience. It was really intense for me, being thrown into the fire since I hadn’t done anything like that before. I was so nervous that I don’t even know what I said, but fortunately someone was videotaping the event, and the video become one of the first things I posted to my YouTube channel. I guess I just shared a little about my life story, and what it was like getting surgeries and spending time recovering at Children’s. Actually, what I remember most was that they had the singer Kelly Clarkston tune in via video, and give her own message as well. I don’t remember her story, but she was obviously a big supporter of Seattle Children’s.

WSU College of Education

The same year, my sister was in Pullman, WA attending WSU to become a teacher. When she chose her final major I was thinking to myself “wow, ok” and I was really proud of her. She was so driven, always pushing toward the goals she had. S

My sister knew I wanted to do public speaking, and she arranged for me to speak to one of her classes, asking me to share my thoughts about how teachers could handle kids coming to their classes who were disabled. I spoke exactly on that.

I shared that in my experience, some teachers panic a little bit, not knowing what to do or how to handle things. I told them that in reality, it really isn’t a big deal: just treat them like other students; but then again, if that student also has learning disabilities, they’d need a para because they would need more time than other students.

I’m not sure how deeply the college students listened to me that day, and one kid fell asleep which actually reminded me of myself in school. In fact, I didn’t know that still went on in college! But the main problem was there wasn’t a lot of time for questions before the class period ended. It’s usually the main bummer about speaking gigs – when there’s limited time for questions.

Youth Investment Center

Another place where I spoke around that time was at the Puyallup Youth Investment Center where I used to go when I was in Jr High. Downtown kids in Puyallup could go there, hang out with each other, and kind-of get away from home life. Basically, it was an after-school activity center.

They invited me to speak to the new crop of kids attending the center, wanting me to give my life story and tales from back in the day. I just told them about me, and a few stories about what would happen when I would hang out there. I also talked about bullying, and one of the kids asked about it, but I’m not sure he liked the answers, but that’s me: telling it as I see it, not what I think people want to hear.

One of the kids thought I was really amazing and inspiring. That felt good. In fact, everywhere I spoke seemed to go great, like people were really into it, and I thought to myself, “Maybe I found my calling.” So every day, I would expect more invitations. Little did I know, pursuing a speaking career takes a lot of work. People aren’t just going to come to you if they don’t know you’re out there.

Disillusion

I was starting to live the dream, but then for reasons I didn’t understand at the time, everything stopped. I think summer came, schools let out, no one else called to invite me to speak. I really got depressed because I didn’t know how to keep it going. Not getting any more offers to speak made me feel so defeated – something I now know is a fundamental self-esteem problem I have.

I said to myself, “you know, maybe this isn’t something I’m going to be able to do.” I sat around and became more and more bored, more isolated, and started going out to the bars a lot, found people to talk to and hang out with. A lot of them were great, and some of them were bad influences involved with along with heavy drinking, and that became my life for the next few years.

I also started having problems with my back, and so I went to a pain clinic, and it was only 10 minutes from my house. I guess there’s no reason they wouldn’t have prescribed those pain meds to me since the pain and scoliosis were real. Now I was addicted to pain meds along with alcohol. Anything would set me off, full of anger.

Thoughts of suicide started coming, not hurting myself or others, but just going to sleep and not waking up. I didn’t want to be here, no meaning or purpose, like I was wasting my time being alive. I don’t think my family even realizes how dark and close to the edge I was at the time.

Back On Track

I’m going to save the story of those dark years for a future post on addiction and recovery, but suffice it to say for now that a huge part of me getting sober was so that I wouldn’t put my family through anything like those times again. As my caregiver, I put my mom through a lot of hell, and I’ll never be able to take those years back, no matter what I do moving forward.

What I am going to do moving forward is stay on track working to realize my dreams. That includes public speaking. I guess it was all the videos that I started publishing to YouTube, and the encouragement I received from people who were inspired by what I said, that helped me remember this original dream.

It took some work over the last couple of years to figure out how to launch my public speaking career, and we’ll see how well it goes now that I’m putting it out there! In association with the schedule I set up for monthly topical gatherings online, I’m working on a series of slideshows that focus on all the topics I like to speak about. Here’s what I’ve come up with, and I’m looking forward to hearing from people who want to hear what I have to say:

Speaking Topics Scheduled for Release
Just found this old video of me speaking at the Lion’s Club! it was before my jaw surgery.

Meet Matt

Hey guys! I’m Matt Budzak. I’m turning 30 this year and live in my hometown of Puyallup, Washington where my adoptive parents raised me since I was a baby. As you may know from my social media posts and videos, I was born with Multiple Ptrygien Syndrome and Scoliosis.

I spent most of my childhood in and out of hospitals, always trying to make the best of things. I did not have use of my legs, and by the at age of 12, I knew that having them removed was going to give me the best possible option for a better quality of life.

School was also a struggle for me. but movies and video games got me though the hard times. It was especially hard to fit in and be accepted socially, and that’s probably why I still rely on my favorite celebrities for inspiration, sometimes making videos talking about them.

Jr. High really was the worst. Learning disabilities made math and other subjects difficult. I spent a lot of time arguing with my special ed teacher and being disciplined, never feeling like I was being treated as an equal, and receiving little to no positive feedback. In 9th grade, it came to a head being blamed for an accidental mishap, and only one person – a friend to this day – stuck up for me. I was sent home and after that, decided I would lock myself in my room, and never come out again.

Fortunately, my parents weren’t going to let me do that. They made sure I wasn’t failed, and with their prodding, I made it all the way through high school. It was still a case management learning situation, and I was sent to the office once in a while, but things gradually better. I made more friends – sometimes even with the security guards that were called to bring me to the office. Ironically, those security guards treated me with respect and helped get me through the tough times.

It’s not like I woke up and was all of a sudden a trouble maker – a lot happened that made me the way I was – sad and angry. But with time, I learned some living skills. To this day, people don’t know how much those school experiences affected me, eventually leading me to using pain meds, and turning to alcohol after turning 21. I’ll share more about that journey in blog post next month, but it’s important to remember how school trauma still affects me today even after a couple of years in recovery.

My low point was a night I stayed up drinking late. I remember it was about 3 a.m., and I got the worst pain I ever felt – which says a lot – centered in my lower back. I ended up calling 911 while my parents were asleep upstairs in the house. The paramedics didn’t want to take me to the hospital, but I insisted that I needed a doctor, so my mom took me into the E.R. It turns out I had a kidney infection. They put in an I.V. and had to drain all the alcohol from my system. I felt like a sponge being squeezed, and I was in shock – couldn’t talk or think straight, just messed up – and ended up stayed in the hospital for a week. I was released with a lecture about how I couldn’t drink anymore, but I had already come to that conclusion through self-reflection over the course of the week, the longest time I’d been sober in years.

I remember going outside and seeing a beautiful, clear blue day. I looked up into the sky and felt good, so clear-headed, with a presence of mind like nothing I’d ever experienced. I knew had to make a decision. Was I going to stay awake like this, or go back to how I dealt with grief and depression in the past? What things could I keep, and what would I have to eliminate from my life? I was broke, had no one around other than my parents, and they were frustrated with me. I had no clue about a meaning for life, no purpose, and I knew that if I didn’t try doing something productive, I wouldn’t make it.

Not long afterwards, the pandemic hit, and like many people, I knew I needed a pet to make it through. I had tried getting a rescue dog in the past, but was turned down – maybe for the same reasons I get rejected when applying for jobs. But Max came to my rescue. It was a bit rough at first with his past behavior issues, but as soon as we understood one another, we really hit it off. I realized what he liked doing, and he realized what I liked. We had nothing but time together, so we went to the park and played a lot. Needless to say, we bonded, and really, he saved me.

Then someone suggested I start. a YouTube Channel. I can’t remember who, but I do remember them noticing how much I got a lot out of the online world myself, and joking that “I love to talk.” So I did it, and the video posted above was the very first one I made. To my surprise, I got a lot of positive feedback. I hadn’t heard anything positive or encouraging in a long time, so I kept it up. I did quit for a while after receiving my first negative feedback – being called a freak. It hit me hard and pushed those old buttons from school. I thought about going down to the nearest bar again, but I just couldn’t let that troll control me and my feelings. So I made another video.

Now, even with positive social media feedback, life can be rough at times – like right now when we’re snowed in and I can’t even get my wheelchair onto my driveway. At times like these, I need to collect myself every few days, so I take a break from making videos and my social media sites, and just go listen to music on the couch, maybe play some video games and watch a movie or two. I find I have to step “in and out” of reality, eventually returning to face the world. Counseling has helped with that, too. I talk with someone every week. It’s another way I’m building skills to cope, and all these things are working. I keep coming back, making videos, getting out there to speak, and hopefully, inspiring others to realize their dreams as well.

Now I’m launching my website, putting it out there that I’m available to speak, consult and schedule educational activities on living a good life despite obstacles. Something that happened on a recent shopping trip with my mom that inspired me to take this step. A lady recognized me from Facebook and said she loved what I was doing. She had a homebound son, and she said that watching my videos together was great for them. Listening to her made both me and my mom emotional, and if I can be that for them and any others in life, it makes everything worth it. In the end, I want to be remembered for doing something constructive, or at least for making it through a lot and never giving up – instead getting up, and keeping on.

My goal now is to have a series of good experiences in life, memories of having fulfilled a “bucket list” dreams like traveling, and knowing that the commitment I made when I left the hospital a couple years ago made it happen with help from family and friends along the way. Now for me, the sky is the limit, chasing my dreams and succeeding at times, staying healthy, and living my life the best I can. My new perspective seems to be paying off, and I’ve never been happier.

Really want to get to know me? Click here for a great podcast – so precise – done by my friend who started a “Community Heroes” channel on The Distrupters Podcast Network.

Launching My Website!!!

Hey Guys! I’m really excited to be launching my business website! Over the last couple of years, I’ve been wanting to get back into motivational speaking as well as working to improve accessibility in the community. Check out the educational events I have scheduled for the upcoming year, subscribe to my blog for Tuesday updates, and in the meantime, follow me on my social media sites. Thanks!